I will die if light touches me.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
