You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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