is your mom at the bar?
I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Randomize