I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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