I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
