I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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