im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
The uberlube is also flammable
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize