I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
