I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
