Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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