I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
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