I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize