is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
