i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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