your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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