My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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