guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
