Who wears a wallet chain?!
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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