Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
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