How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
