The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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