I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
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