I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
