i think i have two assholes
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
