When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
