im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Randomize
