Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Randomize
