I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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