My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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