I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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