fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
