Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
