Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
