My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
