I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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