a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
