No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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