genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
