I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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