i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Less talking, more tequila
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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