I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
