I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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