You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
