M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I need a beard to bite.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
