My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize