Betty ford says i'm here all night
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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