I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
People in love make me want to vomit
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
It's blow job season.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
