boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
