I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Still dying that you shit outside
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
