All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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