i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize