I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
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