I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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