a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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