Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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