Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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