i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
