Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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