i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
