She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
